Self-inflicted Wounds

I’ve spent 5 years going back and forth with a man. There was a time where I was ready to live with him, but he wasn’t ready. There was a time where I got scared to uproot my life and live with him as he was demanding me to move in. There was the time where his phone was open – no really, yes I am a snoop, but his phone was open – to a text thread between him and his children’s mother. And it was mainly her laments on things he told her and how she suspected I was around. In layman’s terms, he was playing us. I grabbed my shit and walked out the door, like I had done so many times before, but this was the claw. I felt like an idiot.

Until.

I have a pattern. I get high off being alone until it begins to fade. Then I turn into Chandler from Friends thinking I am going to die alone.

I jump on a dating site to maybe spark up something – feeble attempt – and get a slew of messages about my smile, my eyes, or where I want to meet. I then delete my profile without messaging any of them back. Then I contact him because I have this nagging thought in my head – what if he’s it? Not soulmate speak, but in the idea that he’s my only option for this life. Do I choose to make it with him or seal my fate of dying alone?

Okay, yes, a wee bit overdramatic.

So about 6-8 months after he was playing me, I contacted him. He responded as per usual. We somehow get on the story of how he met the mother of his children.

Anytime he had told me the story before, there was an age difference. He states he was 18 and she was 14. It was a little skeevy to me, but they had over a 15 year relationship and she was 22 when she had her first child.

But in this conversation, the math suddenly doesn’t add up. She’s not 4 years his junior especially since she’s a year younger than me. She’s 7 years his junior. When this man was 19 he was dating a 12 year old.

After 5 years of back and forth with this man, he now lets the cat out of the bag. And claims he never hid anything. Um, excuse me sir, if that is the case where did 18 and 14 come from?

Anyway, I’m loving writing this because it’s going to showcase how awfully sad I am as a person when it comes to relationships or choosing people to be with…

I contacted him a few days ago. Yes, you read that correctly. He acted like his usual self. Called me sweetie, etc. This was all via text. Yesterday, I ask him to call me just for a chat. Then this happened:

Me: Hello?

Him: Hi.

Me: Hey. How are you?

Him: What is up with your games? *blah blah* I’m tired of it, Sarah. *blah blah* and I’m far past the point of caring.

Me: Okay..

Him: Bye.

Me: *click*

But I could not let that slide, so here we go… (I get weird with confrontation on phone or in person, but via text, I’m on my shit.)

Me: What the fuck was that? Had you conveyed such vitriol over texting, I would have left it. But no. You are conversational, nice and inviting me to see you then when I ask you to call me, you hit like a mack truck?

Him: Because I realized you’re only out for your better interests. Be careful what you have to say, because like you, I can block you.

Me: I have no agenda. I contacted you to make amends. I am sorry my overreaction hurt you.

Him: That’s my point right there. You’re all about you. And that’s normal. You’re single and childless. But I’m a father of two kids, I cannot put myself first. You’re view of things irritates me so bad right now.

Me (1):Go away.

Me (2) – after I let his response fester for 20ish minutes: You know what your problem is? No, but I’m about to tell you. (see, heated)  Block me all you want. You don’t fucking listen. I apologized. There was no excuse laden apology. It was legit. I stated I was attempting to make amends, but you’re not man enough to see past your nose. Yes I am single. Yes I am not a parent. But don’t you sit on your throne and snub your nose at me. Anytime I was with you, the kids came first without question. We were a team. I would entertain them, help with homework, and watched them while you were at work ALL the while being critiqued by you for not doing it your way. So you know what, fuck you. I’m out.

5 YEARS.

Shot of actor Joshua Jackson as his character in the film Cruel Intentions. He's laid in bed looking past the camera and shrugging his shoulders.

“What was I thinking?”

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