I am attracted to everyone when I first meet them. Then it wears off. It always wears off.
Jessa Johansson (Girls HBO)
This quote, or line really, has always struck me because it pretty much sums me up. It’s like when Lena Dunham (one of the creators and major contributor to Girls) stated that the friendship between her character Hannah and the character Marnie was based upon a best friendship Lena has and how she feels she looks upon that friendship as a great romance of her young life.
When I use or think of the word attraction, I don’t mean I want to have sex with every person I meet. I don’t even think I’ve thought about having sex with anyone when I first meet them. Or any other intimate contact like kissing or touching. If I were to be perfectly transparent, when I go beyond that initial crush to really liking a person, I will imagine a relationship maybe, or spending time with one another, but again — nothing physical.
One could say I run very passive in that area. And I could be more transparent and tell you that previous romantic relationships went sour because I wasn’t initiating or making them feel wanted. I was treating them like a best friend and not a partner.
After my diagnosis, I lost a best friend. Well, a few. But this one hurt the most, and I have blogged on it before so if it sounds familiar, my apologies.
Rae was one of the first people I formed a good friendship with when I first moved here for 5th grade. I was always over at her house spending the night. I can even remember trying to sneak on her bus with her so I could go to her house after school. And arguing with bus drivers as well and getting kicked off if we didn’t have permission.
We went to Karaoke nights with her parents. We sang Karaoke in her room. We played Jeopardy on her gaming console, which we called Geo-Party. We watched Dirty Dancing over and over. We discussed owning our own retail shop for clothing apparel. We would go on aol chatrooms and take to strangers about random and some bizarre things.
Then she moved.
I was in high school. I was at WalMart with my then boyfriend and our mutual friend. I was high as a kite. I turn to walk down a random aisle and there is Rae’s mom. And there is Rae. I reunited with my best friend and her mom being blitzed out of my mind. Then I find out, not only is she back – she lives in my neighborhood.
We became best friends again. During school hours we hung with different crowds, but after school and on weekends we would party and do other teen type things.
To speed this up, she met her would-be-husband and they started dating. I went off to college in the middle of the state, but we kept in touch. I came back after I got my degree, and we were back to where we left off.
But then I got sick. I became unwell. It scared her and she made the decision she was better off not sticking around.
I do look at what we had in our best friendship as a great romance. There was not sexual attraction, there was no physical desire or anything. But there was a deep emotional connection that no one understood. They didn’t understand why I was friends with her because they thought she was shallow. They didn’t know the Rae I knew.
I couldn’t say what all of this makes of me. I know I am hetero, but I don’t know if I am asexual, demisexual, if I am just psychologically fucked up by some trauma I’ve consciously forgotten about.